God i am so mad at you right now. i cannot believe you acted like that. you were all sweet talking me, talking about how you missed hearing my voice and all that when you were turned on. and maybe you were sincere, im sure you were. but its just funny to me that its so easy for you to turn that off as soon as i get upset. then the second i interrupt that, god forbid, because i was so depressed that i couldnt help but cry..its all over. you just fucking push me aside and ignore me like im nothing. really fucking seems like you missed me. i've been so understanding this past month, ive been there for you and ignored your bad moods and you being so mean to me. and you cant understand one fucking night that im depressed and hurting. but you know, lastnight when you were so tired that you fell asleep on me, 5 damn minutes after we got on the phone..was i pissed off? did i bitch at you? was i mean about it? NO. i fucking wasnt. because i understood that you had a hard week. WELL SO HAVE I. ive been so fucking stressed out this week. work is killing me, certain family members have been treating me like crap. i'm in so much physical pain i don't know what to do. im still shaking. my body is so weak right now. im aching all over. i cleaned the whole fucking house today, and did i hear one word about it when my mom came home? no. and she kissed my sisters ass even after she mouthed off to her lastnight about doing the dishes. but i did them today and cleaned the kitchen spotless, plus swept and mopped all the disgusting tile and did i hear one fucking appreciative word? HA. you gotta be fucking kidding me. i'm a fucking failure. so forgive me if i wasn't in the mood right at the moment. i wanted to be. i've missed you so fucking much. it's fucking crazy. but i couldnt bring myself to even smile. forgive me alright. im sure you know how that feels. you've turned me down so many times this past month. and you always justify it, but when its me its not okay. and i wasnt even turning you down, i wanted you. bad. i just wanted you to try harder at putting me in the mood. i wanted you to be romantic and sweet, thats all i needed today. was for you to be sweet. but no. you go and treat me like that. after all that crap about missing me so much. yeah, it sure seems like it. GOD I FEEL LIKE SHIT. i havent been in a mood like this in over a year. im so upset with you for doing that. ignoring me until you just hung up. did that make you feel good to do that to me with the mood im in and how hurt i was? all you had to do was be sweet to me while i was upset. thats all i wanted. thats all i NEEDED. was just you to be there for me through that. but no. i wasnt doing what you wanted so you blew me off. like i was fucking nothing. i told you all it took was talking to me and being sweet. that was all you had to do while i was crying and i would've been in such a better mood. i would've been all fucking over you. you have no idea. but yeah. i'll get over it. sigh. i had to get it all out. im going to bed. i doubt i'll be going to church. thats the last thing i feel like doing right now. i probably won't even be able to sleep. oh well. im sure you're sleeping great.

yeah.
Mood:  down
alright. you wanted me to write, so i'm writing. it's 3:30 in the morning and im not going to sleep. im in too much pain and i'm too upset to even be able to begin to fall asleep. my fucking dog keeps barking to get in and out of my room. and im gonna have to wake up in three hours anyway, so whatever. this weekend has been a piece of shit. first, a baby in my class almost dies on friday and i can't get over that. we had a shitty anniversary, and it was such a big deal to me. whatever. and now this bullshit. you know, all i needed was for you to be sensitive to it. i dont fucking get why its so damn hard to be loving and kind to me. am i that fucking unlovable? i dont know how to spell but whatever. i mean, you hurt me. it was a big deal a while ago. i dont get why you dont want to be supportive to me when i get depressed about it. yeah, i shouldnt think about it but its kind hard not to once in a while. its not something i dwell on, but it hurt. it took a long time for me to get to the point where i didnt think about it every day, or every week. i poured my heart out to you and you say you're tired and wanna go to bed and practically hang up on me. i just feel like maybe it went deeper than sex. you got it all the time, every day. sometimes more than once or twice a day. it had to be about something more than that and thats where i feel inadequate. i know we're so much better now. i know our relationship is so much stronger now. but can't you just be sensitive? you know you were very wrong for doing that, and its not like you went and fucked someone else..i understand that. but it still hurt me. why cant you just tell me how much you're in love with me and how im the only woman you'll ever need or want. or that you can be a stupid ass sometimes and do stupid things. i dont need to hear that stuff every single day, but at times like tonight..it would've been nice. its like you'd rather put me down and be annoyed with me than to tell me how much i mean to you when im feeling like im worth nothing at all. which i know i shouldn't feel like that, but it happens sometimes. im sure after tonight and tomorrow it won't cross my mind for another year, but if it does..be sensitive. be understanding. thats all i needed. not an apology or explanation. when you were feeling down tonight, it practically broke my heart to hear you like that. to know that you're going through so much and i cant be there to hold you and be there for you. and even though i didnt know exactly what to say, i still tried my hardest to be understanding. sigh. im just upset. i need to hear things from you once in a while to let me know how much you care. i know you little things every so often like the message you left me today, which was extremely kind of you. but i called you a few hours later and you were all shitty to me, when i was so happy. i know you're going through stuff right now, and i dont expect you to be up my ass but just once in a while when im feeling really down, like tonight, especially when its something about you or us, it'd be nice to be told how much i mean to you. i doubt im going to church. im just going over to my pastors in the morning to get the kids ready and coming back home and going to bed. i want you to know i do forgive you and i will get over it, i know you're sorry for it and you're right, people do grow up and both of us have alot since then. just please be more sensitive to me. thats all i ask. i need that from you. i love you very much, even when you're a pain in the ass. <3

my baby's the best =)
Mood:  lucky
i just wanted to say that you're the best boyfriend ever and im so lucky to have you and be able to share every day with you. you're so unbelievable. you make me so incredibly happy and i couldn't be who i am today without you. I LOVE YOU! <3333

im just..down.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: nothing.
hm. i don't really know. i feel...weird. i don't know really how to start this one off because i have so much on my mind but no idea how to say it. i wish i felt like i was loved more than any woman in the world. this is nothing bad towards you, i just want to say how i feel right now. i know you love me, i really do know that. but i wish you still had such a deep passion for me that you couldnt stop telling me how much you did. i just don't ever get to hear you say things like 'i love you so much. you're everything to me.' or 'without you im nothing.' i don't know. maybe all that is just unrealistic. but if i ever got to hear that out of your mouth without provoking it, i'd be in heaven. you're such an incredible man, and i'm so lucky to be with you. but have you gone numb towards me? not in all senses, just passion. i still feel that passion for you, and you get to hear me say things like that. i wish you felt like you wanted to show me off to everyone you knew, and just tell everyone how much you love me. i feel that way about you, and i wish i could do that. i just want you to be passionate about me. about being with me. i think you've lost that. i know you love me, that isn't what im getting at. its just passion. i want you to be passionate about me. and i'll do whatever it takes to get you back there. i love you. i really do.

i copied you. don't hate me. <3
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: brad paisley and allison krauss - whiskey lullaby
depressed. that's what i am. sigh. i feel like my heart is broken. i can't get this song out of my head and it kills me. it's so fucking sad. and i just think about you. i can't stand it, but i can't stop listening to it. "we found him with his face down in the pillow, with a note that said i'll love her till i die." so fucking heart-renching. i just want you to be in love with me. i want you to tell me you want to be with me more than anything. i can't be selfish though, it has to wait. i just need you. but i shouldn't be so needy, there are bigger problems out there than mine. like yours. but i dont think you need me. sigh. i'm so lonely without you. there are no words to explain what i've felt lately. i havent felt this way in so long. im just so in love with you and i feel so bad for all the things you're being put through right now and i cant be there to help ease it. i just want to do all i can but somehow i always end up making it so much harder on you. god i really hate myself sometimes. this is getting too long. i love you more than anything in this fucking world, always know that baby..<33333